Slice Of Life

March, 2001

Hi, Sweetie. I just thought that nobody bothered to introduce us properly, right? OK, let me introduce myself, then. My name is Mauritz. A little bit about me, you say? You see, I am not quite sure who I am and who I want to be and what I want at all. And this is bad, isn’t it? Oh, it must be bad for everyone must know what she or he wants, I was told. But, it happens that I have no idea what I want and I do believe that it’s pretty bad myself. For, you see, if you yourself don’t know of what it is that you want, others might put ideas of whatever it is that they want into your head and make you believe that this is something that you want, then, actually, this is what they want and you don’t want this thing at all. It sounds complicated, but it’s so simple, in fact. Just, think about it. Think of how many times your decisions were influenced by others. How many times have you given up on something or done something because your friends, family, or (and this is my favorite) society expected you to do it? How many? Ask yourself the question, “Am I really the one I want to be or am I somebody else’s reflection?”

Anyway, back to something about me. OK, it’s the 8th of March* and I feel miserable, down, you name it, Honey. It’s like when you fly for a very long time and you are pretty tired of it and you want it to end, but it seems like the only way to stop it is to fall down, crash and die, so you have to keep soaring to stay alive. This is exactly how I feel right now. I live my life half asleep in this endless flight. I fly somewhere, but I have no destination. I have some vague desires, but I cannot figure out what they are and as I get closer to revealing them, they slip away. I get even more confused because I cannot figure out why I cannot figure out what it is that I desire. I don’t know; maybe I ask the wrong questions or maybe I am looking for answers in the wrong places. What do you think? Oh, wait, actually, there is one thing that I really want. I want to buy a ticket on an old bus, which goes anywhere, get in, sit by a window and ride for a very long time. I will see houses and villages passing by and I will keep on riding on and on. Finally, I will get out in some tiny, boring and run-down place, you know, one of those places where there is nothing to see, where there are no tourists, and the streets are deserted. I will go to a small local, two steps down, café and order a cup of coffee. I will sit down at a round table in the corner by a window and look outside, at the raindrops running down the glass, mud and puddles on the ground, people passing by in a hurry. I will finish my coffee, which got cold, take out a pen and write a couple of meaningless lines on a piece of paper. In my imagination, I will be Hemmingway in Paris. This thought will make me smile. I will put my coat back on and go out wandering the streets in this boring and sleepy town. I will have no expectations, no desires, no memories. I will look deep inside me. There, I will see the face of my true being itself and I will be amazed by its simplicity and purity. I will dissolve in this misty place. I will feel free, weightless, and translucent. I will let life go right through me effortlessly. I will be alone and I won’t need anybody.

Upon my return, I will be surrounded by people and I will be in complete solitude at the same time. I will speak meaningless words and smile meaningless smiles for it will be only my body doing all the moving; meanwhile, my soul will stay in a quiet meditation for it will never leave this sleepy, lost in the mist town, which existed for one day only and only for me alone.

*8th of March is a Holiday in Russia called “Women Day”. It’s a blend in between Valentine’s and Mother’s Days.